"She Must be Dating One of Them"

Let's clear the air.

Dear reader,

It has come to my attention via direct messages, emails, and texts from friends I haven’t spoken to since we started our periods that there is one monstrous question begging to be answered by none other than myself: What can be done to save the 2024 presidential election? I took a stab at that for a bit but could not crack it. Out of boredom, I’ve decided to move on to a separate but equally important public issue. Who is Julia DiCesare dating? Ryan? Hyde? Tommy? Aidan? Grace? If these names are unfamiliar to you, that’s okay. They are the names of my less successful coworkers. What they lack in talent they make up for in being a good hang most days. Also on nights out, I can always count on one of them to be the designated driver, albeit after a lot of bitching regarding my habit of arriving drunk when it’s technically my turn. I digress. I am releasing this statement to set the record straight. The bright, beautiful smile I display in photos with my fellow cast members that could be a symptom of a thriving romantic relationship is simply an exercise of impeccable acting.

Not only am I not dating anyone I make sketch comedy with, but I do not like them. We are not friends. Happy photos are for optics only and I do them against my will and by contractual obligation. I hope this clears things up.

With love,

Julia

PS. Obviously I’ve had sex with some of them but that is neither here nor there.